tinkering thoughts

V day to you.

2009-02-14T07:20:00.000-08:00

a day to celebrate.
what better way to emphasize the thought of being single. hah!valentines day, isn't it today?well, of course it is.as the clock ticked away at 12am, everybody was texting me happy valentines day. each message containing the same three letter words, "happy valentines day," "what's good in valentines day?" i thought. nothing.

Or yet, a text startled me when i recieved it saying, "happy valentines day my child, we love you." and that message was from my parents.my family, giving unconditional love to me. so i cried for a little while and thought that, if you have no lover, then be a lover your family might need. there is no need for words. just pure exchange of love, it's not how many times they say i love you, or how many gifts they give to you. the purest of love that they can show is the care and respect that they have for you right now.

never underestimate the meaning of love.it's irrevocable and futile to excape from. "Love uses all things, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7)

Happy valentines day!

climate change at its finest!

2009-02-08T06:04:00.001-08:00

The rain just didn't stop
it started at 11 in the evening, but i just listened to the rain as it drowned me to sleep because of the coldness that clothed me. It was fine that it was freezing. It was perfect. i was wrong.

3:00 am- i woke up as early as i can because of my scheduled jogging with friends.I thought that i woke up because of the sound of my alarm, but oh dear, there was a thunderous and angry roar of rain drops outside my window. I couldn't even see what was happening because the darkness has not yet retired from it's nightly duties. So i went back to bed hoping that when i wake up two hours from that time, it would stop.

5:00 am- Still the rain did not seize to thunder outside my dorm. i even thought that it would submerged the whole dorm. luckily it did not, the water just created an instant pool outside my dorm. a green pool. and frogs were singing in one accord. So i was defeated once again, knowing that it would not stop immediately for me to have an hour of exercise.

8:00 am- three hours after i woke up for my supposed jogging, it was still semi dark outside my dorm. but when i looked up at my watch, it was already eight am in the morning. nothing can be productive with this kind of weather. it's not even helping me, going to my errands. and it was supposed to be Saturday!

the whole day was chaotic. there were parts in Dumaguete City that were filled with water up to chest high. people were evacuating their things to safety. Electricity transformers were busted, as well as cars which stopped running in the middle of the road due to the exhaustion of having to be submerged in water for a while during traffic. It was horrible.

Hail to my Alma Mater!

2009-02-03T19:17:00.000-08:00

it's raining and i'm wet. thanks to the weather, i am having bad colds(like as if there is a good one). the busy streets of Dumaguete City has never been a bore to me whenever i try to amuse myself. There's always something to see, and something to hear, it's never boring here in my school.

Silliman University, the name of my alma mater. I study Mass communication and i am in my last year in college. These are the times that i feel so ambivalent, trying to remind myself that i am ending my journey here in my school as a collegian.

I was just out in the streets right about eight in the morning after i finished my very exhausting one hour examination about Macro-economy. It is the time of year when students start to feel anxious. Freshmen getting excited about the feeling of continuing their college life in a leveled up condition. Sophomores gleaming on the thought that they are going to be part of the upper class when the school year ends. Juniors complaining on the fact that their instructors and professors are trying to terminate them from their batch(e.g. Masscom freshmen-50+ Masscom junior-25), it's always the hardest year. Then here comes my batch, the SENIORS, oh i love the ring of that word.

It brings privileges, benefits and authority at some point. As a senior, you can bully lower class students, scare their hearts out about their upcoming subjects and the terrorizing instructors that'll be handling them. Or maybe, you can talk to your instructors like they have been your friend for quite sometime now, it's like talking to your older brothers or sisters or maybe your parents, they tend to be close to you now. Moreover, you have the authority to process documents that are not allowed for the freshmen or the newbs. You know how the university ticks, and you know what they instructors are talking about. The capacity to learn for you is wider now, and it's better than before.

For us, graduating class of 2009. I congratulate us for reaching this far. With our greatest gratitude to our Almight Abba.

alpha day

2009-02-03T18:17:00.002-08:00

woke up at seven in the morning,had my shower,and ate my breakfast.so normal. i watched my reflection parted in the mirror as i stared blankly to the face that was going to be blindfolded again.

i had to wake up, fix myself and bring the negativity down the spine. that was easy to say, but this is not an ordinary day. my day of survival, i had this coming right from the start i began this challenge.

so i met up with my friends, couldn't hide the anxiousness i was feeling for that deadly hour. i remembered the words i said to my trainers,'blah blah blah'. no wonder i was so pale white, apart from my normal brown color, i was white to the core of anxiety. "you put yourself in this situation" i said to myself, of course i did, nobody forced me to join this organization, i did.

as my friends and i started to line up, there we were, standing like we were going to be in a firing squad. one by one, we had our blindfolds cover our eyes.

i was grabbed by a hand i could barely recognize, but i was pretty sure who was the one holding me when he spoke, pulling me to go to the place we were about to finish the day.

there we were, asked to kneel down by our trainers, then the same humm i heard before started to grow, louder and louder in one accord we were being sang by our trainers. alas, the voices i heard were comforting,as the three minute song died down, we were asked to stand up and untie our blindfolds. the first people i saw was my friends, relieved of what just happened.

so my ALPHA day has ended. my gratitude to God. here comes my PHI.

kudos to my batch mates.we've done it again.

"It's always too early to quit"

First day.

2009-01-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

A humm was the beginning of the song, then it grew louder in one accord, with clearer music and lyrics. And a song was all we could figure out as we were blindfolded.We were all scared, scared of what would be the next thing that would happen to us. But nevertheless, we entered this.

Fraternities/Sororities, let me tell you the meaning of these words. It is described as a body of men/women associated for their common interest, business, or pleasure; a company; a brotherhood; associate; in the Roman Church, an association for special religious purposes, for relieving the sick ad destitute, etc.

People choose to be one with these organizations for the following:

1. to make friends
2. to lead
3. to be of service
4. to be accepted for who you are
5. to belong in a group
6. to have security financially or personally when you graduate from college.

there are other reasons for joining in a frat/sor.But whatever reasons you have, you should manage your time, school first and God is above all. So to those who want to join in a frat/sor, be sure that the organization that you'll enter is safe and God fearing.

BRITNEY's comeback!

2009-01-21T08:27:00.000-08:00

THAT WAS HOT.
Britney has done it again, nice come back. You really have to hand it to her though, she is having a nice recovery after that "great depression" in her life. I would think that it has taught her great and valuable lessons in running a famous and fast paced life. Never take in TOO much of it.
She has slowly going up the notch in the biz, but unlike before, the buzz is all positive. The come back album of Britney Spears entitled CIRCUS is a hit among the party people, with her danceable tunes, it is a sure hit in the clubs. Britney has never lost her touch, even to the slightest of details. She still sings, dance, and smiles like before, but pretty much, more mature.
I like this new Britney that is emerging in our TV screens, she seems to be more focused and responsible. Maybe it's because of her little boys that has pushed her through all the crises she has been through. KUDOS for Britney. Welcome back.

the moderation of romance.

2009-01-20T16:42:00.000-08:00

I AM ANGRY.
for not picking anyone right for me.i am the one who push them away,push them away from the circle i draw around me. a security circle as i call it, nobody comes close to being inside the circle even if i let them in,because i, myself, do not welcome them with my actions. i say 'welcome' but my gestures prove otherwise.
Do I always have to keep up with this facade when i'm in need?well,it's not that if i smile, it doesn't mean i'm happy.
So i go on with this thought,so when will my words coincide with my actions?i hurt because of the things i do. I inflict pain for reasons that i like the rejection, i like the pathetic state i am always in, i like being helpless.

twilight lessons

2009-01-18T16:41:00.001-08:00

THE FIRST ONE IS OVER.
How do we recover in such a period of fantasy and romanticism?it's never unrealistic to imagine such things. you may never know. okay, so the first one may be a bit too childish, but then again the second one can cut it. We all have our own romeos and juliets so they say.
After what i read in the twilight series, i couldn't help but fantasize my future about somebody that i would give my life to. Someone that i would consider much important as the oxygen i breathe, the food i eat, the shelter i am in. Maybe that would be an exaggeration, but love has never ceased to amaze me these days. It can do both damage and inspiration.
I for one have been one of those "love zombies", the ones who do not think other than who they love. Unconditional loving can of course lead to many dangers, it creates an opening of destruction, the gate to pain and idiocy. But of course, love as always, keeps everyone alive, as the song goes. Does it really?
I have read many books, with different characters, places, plots, settings, climax, but all just point to one thing, the value of people, respect and love keeps everything and almost everyone alive.
The twilight saga,hmmmmph,simple story with such complications. Love with so many antagonism. What else is new?
The characters from the series just prove that even the deadliest and also the most vulnerable creatures, human or non human, do love. And when they do, they love with their life. Kind of reminds me of the people i know.

all was in vain

2009-01-17T22:45:00.000-08:00

She just waited in vain. For such a long time she has been expecting for something magical to happen to her and to her ‘supposed’ significant other. But then again, she was wrong…dead wrong. Considering she was too naïve to notice that she was fooled, not once but twice already, how stupid of her. People (especially those in love) may find it hard to understand the thoughts of Ms. Man-hater (who is now pathetically in love), but hey, she has the prerogative to be. All that waiting was for nothing; let me congratulate that ass**** who punctured her flimsy heart, bravo!
Let me point out to you guys that we -girls and women in particular- have only two things that we need: to be loved and to be respected. In the other hand, you guys –boys and men in particular- also have these necessities to live on: to be loved, to be understood, and to be cared for. Notice the commonality among our necessities and yours? Yup, to be loved. I’m not making this up just to let this grey space be filled up, but it is to remind you, that we may be different in our sexualities but one thing is for sure, we revolve around love, like we revolve around God and our family and friends. It’s this, there are three crusts in our whole being; the core, periphery, and semi periphery, first comes God as the core, then family and friends as the periphery, and love as the semi periphery.
One morning I was asked by a friend, which is harder? Pretending to love someone when you don’t or pretending you don’t love someone when you do, that was easy, of course pretending you don’t love someone when you do. That question seemed apparent enough to answer itself. Love is confusing, some may say that it’s simple…eeengk! No it’s not, reality check, look at our status quo, temptations our lurking behind our backs girls, not knowing our Mars is looking for another Venus. There is a rarity of guys who engage fidelity to their girl. Theoretically speaking, there is no ‘right one’ or ‘perfect guy/girl’ for us. The ones who are going to be with us temporarily are those frogs that come and go that we have to pass through so that we can uncover our prince/princess behind that mucky, unfortunate swamp called life. The ‘one’ that we could spend our lifetime with, is the one who could complete us. If you’re too impatient, then your other would be the opposite of that. For example, my mom, she’s the freaking type of parent, in contrast is my father, he’s the calm type when it comes to situations my mother can’t get a hold of herself. Just look at your parents, they have distinguished personalities that set them apart with each other that makes them love each other.
So it seems that love may be a heart pumping/adrenaline rushing feeling when both of you are together, but let’s face it, it sucks when it ends. Especially when it’s like being ran over by a road flattening truck, not once but twice. You can never get over the fact that you were once in love and have been loved by someone which is a nice thing to reminisce during your ‘me-time’ but by fate’s sake your heart got thrashed. It’s a story you may never tell your grand children and defy the urge to be pitied on, instead you tell them how their grandparents got together and how they came to be with their parents and so the story goes and ends with the cliché line called happy ending, is there as such? But look on the brighter side; you have learned a lot from those mistakes of kissing those frogs: brown, green, big and small. You would one day recall the days you were young and stupid, but those would be the times you had fun right? Mistakes teach us and mold us into what we would become. In other words, make mistakes when you are still young, it’s better to do it when you are, than able to be looked up to with younger generations and make that stupid mistake.
After uncovering the muck that has swathed your prince/princess from you. There really would be a happy ending for the both of you. I just came to realize that anybody in this small world specifically your place could be your temporary ‘one’. I had a relationship before that shocked me because of the fact that my then-boyfriend was my schoolmate in grade school and way back then, I didn’t even know him, or knew he existed until that day I met him and blah blah blah. Another story was with my friend who had a boyfriend who was the boyfriend of her sister then. As the song goes, love moves, in mysterious ways, yup, really mysterious and weird at times. So it’s this, you could really end up with anybody, and that anybody would someday be a somebody who you will cherish for a lifetime. Frogs may overpopulate and block you to your prince/princess but don’t forget that those frogs could transform as your significant other. So kiss and kiss until you have kissed the missing part of your character. Finding your significant other would be like fitting a broken heart necklace and put them together and they’d fit perfectly. So find your other half carefully.

The Backbiter

2009-01-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

By Jessica Castillo-Moldez

A…
Snake.
Plastic.
Brainwasher.
Bitch.
User.

The…
Toxic mouth.
Proud.
Unwanted
Unpopular
Loud mouth.

Note: I will refer to the creature as a ‘she’ because as an unknown noun, we should call it a ‘she’, like a ship.
Have you ever been victimized by the backbiter? Well, I’m pretty sure, for once in your life, you’ve been stabbed by this lonely edge of a freak. This creature has obviously nothing to do but to blabber all her way to darkness, from sunrise to sunset-blahblahblah-. Talking nonsense and lies about someone she’s jealous of. The backbiter is a very incredible creature. She changes her appearance every time she meets someone she wants to confuse. I tell you, she CAMOUFLAGES! She’s like a chameleon when it comes to tricking people, a master of disguise. She will ruin your image as long as she wants to. She can control you. She manipulates you. She’s a creature of darkness. she could make your life a living hell. She can turn everybody against you with her sleek tongue destroying you. The thing is, she doesn’t know that the people she is talking to with her lies, don’t like her. What a loser! She doesn’t know that she’s the talk of the town, if she doesn’t care, then, HAHA! In your face Freak! When she talks, it’s like she’s so good at it that you won’t even notice that she is saying it wrong, technically speaking, not grammatically, anyways, she’s a fine actress at her own masterpiece. How lonely that creature must be. Without any real friends to be there for her, sure she considers her ‘listeners’ friends?no way!i don’t think so. We listen, but we don’t agree. So there you seed of satan. Are you so numb that you can’t even feel that you are the one I’m talking about?how pitiful! Anyway, I guess that’s what you are good at, being numb and cold with the feelings that you should be feeling for others and for yourself. You wouldn’t know it even if it hits you in the face, thinking that it’s just nothing…well, an advice to you, you backbiter, Good Luck! because everybody hates you.

Fine Arts Experience

2009-01-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

When I was a still in the womb of my mother, my mom would let me listen to classical music like Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Bach and more. She would stick the cassette player near her womb and observe me kicking making her excited more and more because she was told that when you talk to a baby in the womb it hears you, so she wondered if in a way to entertain her unborn child she would let me listen to those kind of music, but I was too young to remember. When I grew up I appreciated the classical music but because of the modern times I am sometimes shifted into the music of today like hip-hop, alternative, acoustic and rock, so I kind of forgot the beauty of the classical music. Yet, when I hear these kinds of music like in a movie that I really love I remember it in my head like as if I heard it before, maybe my mom’s cassette idea worked. I would rather listen to classical music when I study and when I want to relax because they soothe my senses and let me think more.
I never really appreciated art that much until I took this course. When I was I child I loved drawing things and I was so curious in just about anything that I see. Now, as I grew older I loved taking pictures with meanings in them. Like I connect my title with what I am taking a picture of, sometimes, the people who look at it may like it or are confused by it because to those who really look at what I took they used their intelligence in art by understanding it. It is a way to express my artistic side. I learned to read between the lines or should I say in art, colors and shapes. In this course I tried to use my intelligence towards art by deciphering the abstract and understanding the obvious in the paintings that we have been shown. Now, when I look at paintings and when I see graphics, I try to understand what the artist really wants us to read and feel through his art. I now am encourage to use my intelligence more rather than encouraging it to be stagnant and be satisfied with just the things I learn in school.
Everything has their origins in art. An object, house and fashion is what it is now because of the influence of art, the owner or people may just take it for granted not knowing the importance and the history of the object they are using. Even our attitude is derived from the early people from the western civilization and the paradox of it is that we still consider ourselves true Filipinoes not knowing that we are not that true anymore. If I see buildings now, specifically the town centers, capitols, churches and other significant buildings, I try to know where the architecture or the designer got the idea of the whole building, whether it is from the gothic, renaissance, baroque, classical, ancient or modern, because now, I learned that everything is influenced by art. Knowing that in the early times, some artists would be as important as the royal blood, I now appreciate art more.

Insecurities vs. Love

2009-01-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

“Mamuy!Mamuy!Mamuy!” and the crowd went wild, chanting my name in unison. I cried as I praised Him for all the glory that I gained because of him. All I could remember was when I had that first touch of the ball and went straight to the goal. I ran and ran as fast as I could, a defender blocked my way but I evaded her. As I passed her, she went ballistic as she ran after me. I took the chance, the chance that I could score a goal in the National Championship Women’s League as a rookie. I faked the goal keeper into thinking I would kick the ball with my right foot, but instinctively, I did not, I saw an opening at her left side and did not hesitate into kicking the ball with my left foot. My left foot, the hero of that championship game.
As the ball touched the back of the net, the moment seemed to seize. When everything froze, I felt a tear fell through my cheeks as my teammates hugged me with our victory. Only did I realize that I was still shouting “THANK YOU LORD!!!NAKA GOAL KO!!”, “ THANK YOU LORD!I SCORED A GOAL!”, The chanting grew in one accord; I could still feel my legs rushing towards the goal.
After that day, my smallie in the dorm excitedly woke me up as she waved a newspaper in front of my sleepy face. “ATE!andito ka sa newspaper!sa sports column!naka goal ka pala sa National Championship Women’s League?wow grabe ka ate, hindi ka namin napanood nila ate Ignace, ate Johanna, ate Pearl at saka ate Dianne. Hindi ka kasi nagsabi eh!”, “ Big sis!your in this newspaper! I read you in the sports column, you scored in the championships but you didn’t tell us!”, I just smiled and felt that I achieved a whole lot more than scoring that goal, I also achieved my confidence; the main thing that I wanted to achieve all my life. And so my story begins from here…

I am going to tell you about my life as I saw and felt it. The things that pressured me and the things that have made me to what I am now. I am loved by my parents and friends, and that’s all I need. All these things I have come to realize in sharing with you are the things I want to instill in the minds of those young minds who will be reading this, that insecurity will never put you out of the shadows of those people who belittle you. Shine with confidence and pride for the Lord is with you.
This has been my weakness for such a long time now. To live what the others think of me. Yes, I knew I was insecure. I realized that when I was still a girl. When my cousins always tried to tease me into letting me think I’m somebody who models for cheap product. I didn’t really know what they were talking about, but I knew they were talking about me and how I look.
Every morning when I wake up, I look at the mirror and all I see is a very ugly girl. I see a dark colored skin, chinky-eyed, with two big front teeth. That’s why I found sports as my compensation for confidence. I really never had one until I gained friends and the love from the audience who were watching me play. I was young when I started playing for different kinds of sports. I tried on gymnastics, swimming, tennis, taekwondo and now, soccer. I have had difficulties in inserting into a crowd, a crowd where beauty is a commonality. I had doubts, I wasn’t sure of myself every time I go to school everyday. I was in high school when I realized I was that ugly. Every night when I go to sleep I cry as hard as I can, letting the hurt and the pain the world has caused me for that day out from the insides of my gullible heart. That is when I developed hatred, hatred from the world that has treated me like this. The people who made me feel I was not that special, that I was someone who they cared less. The only people who thought of me as a diamond among the crowd were my parents and my best friends. Every morning when I wake up, my heart aches like it shatters from within, realizing I shouldn’t be out for the day to save myself from the agony that the world will give me when I do wake up.
So, I wash myself, dress up, eat my breakfast and pretend that everything is going to be ok with me in school. I laugh, I talk in class, but sometimes, I feel a hole inside of me. It’s like something I can’t explain to my friends. When I go home, I pick up the remote and try to watch cartoons, yes, I am, one way or another, entertained, but I could never forget how I feel when my classmates bully me for who I am. So, I go to my room and sink myself with my computer or a book and let my imagination take me. I see myself having somebody who loves me for me, somebody who takes care of me, somebody who would adore me and please me, and most of all, respect the whole me.
I had doubts when I entered my college life, I wasn’t sure of myself being away from those who comforted me when I was down, when I felt the world has turned against me, and when I felt ugly. My mom, who goes in my room to check if I was crying and hugs me tight to let me know I was special. My dad, who always tells me I am his princess and who sings me “beautiful girl” by Jose Mari Chan early morning. My friends, who were always there for me when I needed them. And here I am, away from them, away from those who would be my shelter and comfort. Why did I choose this life? Maybe, it’s because I want to stand on my own, to see if I could really survive without them. My first days being a stranger from this land was unbearable, I missed them so much, I missed my town where I grew up, and the people whom I was used to see. Now, it’s all new, and eventually I gained friends. I easily made friends and easily made people envy me. I ask why they do the things they do. Well, obviously they are trying to oppress me, if I was still in high school, maybe they would work. But now, it’s all different. I have gained confidence and trust in myself. I have a crowd who supports me, and respects me. I am known as a person, not as a non-existent being. Finally, in this world, I am tangible. People notice me because of my confidence, and that is when I had that somebody whom I imagined when I was a girl. The somebody was right there all along but I never realized it. I was too preoccupied looking for something else; while all along that somebody was there, waiting to be noticed. I was basically denying the fact that I was in love, yet, when I do not see that person where I usually see that person, I feel empty and dull, and then I knew it was love. So now, we’re together, and we love each other’s company. We do not care what the others think, as long as we’re happy, and then I don’t have to please them.
Now, I am in my fourth year of my college life, and I am happy because of what I have now, and what I have now is that somebody I have been imagining for a long time. I am loved, I am cared for, and I am respected. Those were what I wanted when I was a girl. I love the person who loves me right now. And for that, my insecurities in life are broken. Alas, my confidence has risen up into what I have become now. I do not care on what other people might think of me, and for what? I do not live my life to please them. I please myself and of course serve the Lord, not them. Who are they to judge me? A nobody, and that’s for sure. So, I hold my partner’s hand as I walk with confidence and think nothing but the love that we feel for each other and then, I smile at the world, the world that I forgot to love. And that for me is the most important thing in this world, love, for when there is love there is peace, joy and respect.

World of Vindication

2009-01-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

World of vindication

My life is nothing but something that you describe,
Your own vindictive thoughts of which that chokes me.

I try to live it subtly of ways I try to understand,
But fairness is obviously not my ally.

Eyes of cold prejudice and norms,
Pin me to the wall of confusion.

I seek my justice for air in which i am being deprived of,
I am slowly dying away in the world that holds no responsibility of its deaths.

Every night I die myself to sleep,
Only in dreams I find reality of my paradise.

For only duration I can live it,
Wherein it is a place I find liberty, my liberty.

And then I wake up as the sun rays hits my eyes,
I gently open them and sigh for my liberty is gone.

I tell you,
I am but an object that anger, confusion and love comes from,
I am different.

home away from home:Dumaguete City

2009-01-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

As i disembarked the vessel that made my way to this place, there she was the city i dearly love the most, Dumaguete. She sat on the most perfect place in an island, not too north not too south, she really Is beautiful as she is.

The sea breeze greeted me with a touch on my face as it welcomed me with its embrace, how i miss this scene. A beautiful sunday morning is a good day to start in this gentle place, people just flock downtown not only to shop but to go to church. Pretty dresses fashion their way to every church in town, people with the highest sense of style come in and out of the shopping district. Here and there, there is always a place to go.

So to experience this surreal feeling, i just walked through my century old school rather than ride a pedicab to my dormitory. I almost forgot, my second home, sampaguita cottage. Truly a second home. The people who live here don't have to be somebody else, they are individuals at their own right, no wonder i love them. They are the ones who appreciate whatever things you do, little or huge, they respect you and treat you as their sister. We are somewhat sisters in our own sorority house. And our Dorm manager is our House Mother, Ate Hera.

Tomorrow is again a new day, a good day, well, for some it is good enough because they are not faced with a great teacher-note the sarcasm please-. Well hello, i shall meet you tomorrow morning mister. Tomorrow i shall see your exam, tomorrow i shall see you again.

There it goes, the city of gentle people, my first contact.